Love Is Not The Most Important Thing In A Relationship - mindbodygreen
Love Is Not The Most Important Thing In A Relationship: Here's What Is. Created with Sketch. Created . It was clouding my judgment. Article continues below. Essays and short articles about love and life, relationships, dating and friendship. "Everybody has one soul mate." "True lovers can read each other's minds." "All you need is love." A psychotherapist who's seen it all pokes holes in some of.
It's an intense, new feeling unlike any of these other ways of loving. Why Do We Fall in Love?
Love is Not Enough | Mark Manson
Loving and being loved adds richness to our lives. When people feel close to others they are happier and even healthier. Love helps us feel important, understood, and secure.
But each kind of love has its own distinctive feel. The kind of love we feel for a parent is different from our love for a baby brother or best friend. And the kind of love we feel in romantic relationships is its own unique type of love. Our ability to feel romantic love develops during adolescence. Teens all over the world notice passionate feelings of attraction. Even in cultures where people are not allowed to act on or express these feelings, they're still there.
Love & Relationships
It's a natural part of growing up to develop romantic feelings and sexual attractions to others. These new feelings can be exciting — or even confusing at first.
The Magical Ingredients of Love Relationships Love is such a powerful human emotion that experts are constantly studying it. They've discovered that love has three main qualities: Attraction is the "chemistry" part of love. It's all about the physical — even sexual — interest that two people have in each other. Attraction is responsible for the desire we feel to kiss and hold the object of our affection.
Attraction is also what's behind the flushed, nervous-but-excited way we feel when that person is near. Closeness is the bond that develops when we share thoughts and feelings that we don't share with anyone else. When you have this feeling of closeness with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you feel supported, cared for, understood, and accepted for who you are.
Trust is a big part of this. Commitment is the promise or decision to stick by the other person through the ups and downs of the relationship. These three qualities of love can be combined in different ways to make different kinds of relationships. For example, closeness without attraction is the kind of love we feel for best friends. We share secrets and personal stuff with them, we support them, and they stand by us.
But we are not romantically interested in them. Attraction without closeness is more like a crush or infatuation. You're attracted to someone physically but don't know the person well enough yet to feel the closeness that comes from sharing personal experiences and feelings.
Romantic love is when attraction and closeness are combined. Lots of relationships grow out of an initial attraction a crush or "love at first sight" and develop into closeness. It's also possible for a friendship to move from closeness into attraction as two people realize their relationship is more than "just like" and they have become interested in one another in a romantic way.
For people falling in love for the first time, it can be hard to tell the difference between the intense, new feelings of physical attraction and the deeper closeness that goes with being in love. Lasting Love or Fun Fling? The third ingredient in a love relationship, commitment, is about wanting and deciding to stay together as a couple in the future — despite any changes and challenges that life brings. Sometimes couples who fall in love in high school develop committed relationships that last.
Many relationships don't last, though. But it's not because teens aren't capable of deep loving. We typically have shorter relationships as teens because adolescence is a time when we instinctively seek lots of different experiences and try out different things. It's all part of discovering who we are, what we value, and what we want out of life. Another reason we tend to have shorter relationships in our teens is because the things we want to get out of a romantic relationship change as we get a little older.
In our teens — especially for guys — relationships are mainly about physical attraction. But by the time guys reach 20 or so, they rate a person's inner qualities as most important. Teen girls emphasize closeness as most important — although they don't mind if a potential love interest is cute too! In our teens, relationships are mostly about having fun.
Dating can seem like a great way to have someone to go places with and do things with. Dating can also be a way to fit in. If our friends are all dating someone, we might put pressure on ourselves to find a boyfriend or girlfriend too. For some people dating is even a status thing. It can almost seem like another version of cliques: The pressure to go out with the "right" person in the "right" group can make dating a lot less fun than it should be — and not so much about love!
In our late teens, though, relationships are less about going out to have fun and fitting in. Closeness, sharing, and confiding become more important to both guys and girls.
By the time they reach their twenties, most girls and guys value support, closeness, and communication, as well as passion. This is the time when people start thinking about finding someone they can commit to in the long run — a love that will last.
What Makes a Good Relationship? When people first experience falling in love, it often starts as attraction. The arguments got worse. Our inability to ever see each other hung around our necks like an albatross. Hours and hours talking on the phone with nothing actually said. Looking back, there was no hope that it was going to last. Yet we kept it up for three fucking years!
After all, love conquers all, right?
- Three Harsh Truths About Love
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Unsurprisingly, that relationship burst into flames and crashed like the Hindenburg into an oil patch. The break up was ugly. And the big lesson I took away from it was this: This is how a toxic relationship works.
Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself. One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well.
I would argue that this is normal and healthy and a big part of what makes a relationship so great. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage it or replace it. I should spend time with my partner like I do my best friend; I should communicate openly with my partner like I do with my best friend; I should have fun with my partner like I do with my best friend.
But people should also look at it in the negative: She was madly in love with her husband. But once the emotional high of the wedding wore off, reality set in. And she got into this situation because she ignored all three of the harsh truths above. Despite being slapped in the face by all of the red flags he raised while dating him, she believed that their love signaled relationship compatibility.
When her friends and family raised concerns leading up to the wedding, she believed that their love would solve their problems eventually. And now that everything had fallen into a steaming shit heap, she approached her friends for advice on how she could sacrifice herself even more to make it work.
Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships? Imagine if your best friend moved in with you, trashed your place, refused to get a job or pay rent, demanded you cook dinner for them, and got angry and yelled at you any time you complained.
This woman was like the NSA. His self-worth dropped to nothing. So he quit trusting himself to do anything.
Love and Romance
Yet he stays with her! The only way you can fully enjoy the love in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life than love. You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. Love is not unique. Love is not special.
Love is not scarce. But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust.